A STORYTELLER WITH NO TALE

Hello there everyone, I need an app that can type my thoughts as I dictate them. Seriously though, I have gotten so unimaginative that someone had to come to the blog’s rescue, I bet you will enjoy her post as well. Introducing Venom… Enjoy…
‘Licking the remains of bon-bon off my fingers’. … Jeez!!! ‘Mi lord’, queen of here place claims/facts in issue is still droning on. What did I ever do to deserve sitting in this class today? I mean, my mates are young execs, senators’ fifth wives, P. A’s to honourables, pepper sellers (some of my other mates ni oh) etc…..
*trying to avoid my facilitators’ eyes * while I sip the dregs of my zobo- yes, I drink zobo, no apologies whatsoever.
Yes, back to things done. Really, Bwari has turned me into one sad sick girl that has her nose dipped in all things, what’s sad is I can’t say it all ,so, I am left with typing it. My first point of call is Lagos. Have y’all noticed that the geographical location of lagos is gradually shifting towards the UK? Oh! You haven’t? I learnt its now a 30 minute drive from Lagos to UK. What other way to explain some of these deluded Lag students forming like they can trek across the ocean and Lagos is like the new London, please, don’t get me started o, we know those that stay in Osapa-London and those that go to Palms just for a snapshot and tour. Enough said… *lips sealed*
The things people say in the course of eating sha, Sometimes I wonder if the food sellers prepare the meals with marijuana. I swear nothing is as lame as the conversation some of my sombre looking colleagues have, call it eavesdropping but I have heard one of them blame the Nigerian government for Nigerians not knowing the difference between Texas and London. Dont get me wrong ooo, it’s pathetic but wetin concern government now, se na wetin suppose dey official gazette be that? And some pronounce akara as akra , be real to yourselves how the thing sef sound to una, make God take stick beat you.
Another pressing issue that touches my heart is how some ‘Pakolicious’ learning mates act like they sleep in air-conditioned rooms, Hell awaits u for forming and I mean that part reserved for hitler. Aint I sweet?
Aha *one up for my mummy*. Yeah! By now, y’all know Queen’s English is one constant subject of controversy here right? This one borders on the part of those who actually lived in the Queen’s Division (abi na queen’s bench) for a while. I dont get your not-quite-naija-but-not-quite.U.K accent. Is it that when you were finally adjusting to the diction over there, your student visa expired and you had to return to motherlan’? because some of you sound like calabar octaves to me. No offence intended……..but you sound ‘hung’, stuck somewhere in the land called ‘Lost’. Please find your place and stop giving me hypothermia *whatever that means*
It has also come to the notice of this Honourable??? Court that our boys now wear butt-pads. Or how else do you explain big bom-boms’ in excruciatingly tight pants? Admit it, you must be suffering a measure of discomfort. Please, I take God beg una, there are tailors at mami
Do seek their expertise on this matter. Oh, and donate the butt pads to the girls’ hostel before I change my mind oh, ehn-hen.
Ehen, lemme now settle down to draft my legal opinion on *statid*, *presentid*, *countid*, *minutid*. But, when on earth did minute become a verb? You have no right to say minuted. You should be shit..sorry, shot. Some dudes just make me weak. I need to sip viju *runs out to go and buy…..mind your business jare* mwah. Ama see y’all some other time. 😉