RACONTEUR

The beauty of being me is, I know everyone but nobody knows me, ok now, that’s sad *wipes tears with the helm of white shirt.
Well, y’all will agree I use that well, I snoop on everyone when they aint watching.
I know the tale of d physically unattractive dude that’s got the babe with the knockout body. I know the tale of the girl that refills her ‘eva’ bottle with sachet water and comes to class feeling like she doesn’t know what the ‘white room’ looks like. I know the tale of the ‘not so smart’ that grabs the mic at every chance he gets. I know the tale of the old man that tries to relive his youth at every opportunity. I know the tale of the one that feels pressured and tries so much just to ‘belong’. I know the tale of the one that ‘famz’ with another just for the security of a ride.
I go about in my grandma glasses and dusty black shoes and stare into the face of all these beautiful people, they stare back and I smile to myself ‘cos I know all of their tales. The tale of the girl that wishes the boy had eyes only for her. The tale of the one that thinks he ought to be the lecturer. The tale of the one that ‘cacks’ to mammy market hoping to meet ‘the one’. The tale of the one that eats once a day saying she doesn’t wanna get fat(she definitely aint deceiving me). The tale of the one who studied law in China and has a British accent. The tale of the one that called mama and papa that a car is a compulsory requirement and who have in turn appealed to the church for fund raising. The tale of the one that goes to town hoping her net catches a big fish. Oh! And I know the tale of my friend who sits at the house of the Lord with his headphones on, neatly arranged in front of him are his Efevwharen, Ojukwu and Oniekoro along with his Benakol material, King’s bench summary,note all for civil procedure class. I know the tale of the one that sucks up to the ‘highly placed’ in the hopes of a better future. I know of the one with an opinion about everything, the one that can swear she birthed us all. I know the tale of the ones that schooled right here in this Naija and have british, American, French, Congolese and other accents I havnt deciphered yet. The other day,I met someone who studied law in yugoslavia(forgive me,but Y naa)
They can’t see me ‘cos I am in the background, the light from my glasses drops on them all, I know all of their tales.. *evil grin

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COCKTAIL BLUES

I am so sorry it took me a while to put up this post, I was tending to the fracture I got from rocking a 6inch heels. Yeah, I know there is no wisdom in wearing heels to a dusty place but d cocktail was so talked about I dint wanna carry last( what can a girl do?). My beautiful suede Christian Louboutin just got ruined 😦 . What did you just say ehn? I heard you, you said, ” who dash monkey?” Well, na ur way it doesn’t matter if I wore one or not, what matters is I wore heels and it was 6inches and I rocked it like it was Louboutin.
Good news is I am here and so is ur gist. Honestly,the title of this post ought to be ‘much ado ’bout nothing’ because for the first time my ‘grandma glasses even when well placed on my nose’ saw nothing.
When I mentioned we had a cocktail as in a Lawyers’ cocktail, what went through ur mind? Lemme guess, u figured there would be champagne or maybe well prepared ponche and lots of salmosa, spring rolls n d likes to munch on. U also thought alcohol was going to be served since we are young adults and it is one of the few times we are not gonna be graded by our acts abi? . Well, if that was what you had in mind you have failed .
Lemme give u the right picture, ever been to a house party when u were in Junior class in ur high school? (Well, I know my mum ll never find this blog , so, I will tell u how we rocked those parties back in my days).
*Smiles*, in those days, whenever any of our friends was home alone, he/she will call the remaining members of our clique and we in turn will invite the ‘tight’ ones from school to the ‘party’. We were never cashed enough to buy alcohol so we made do with whatever we could steal from our parents’ bars unnoticed. D music was always crappy , the dudes were never up to standard in their borrowed clothes(of course law school boys are not crappy, I am just painting a picture), those that were not part of the clique had a lot to prove to be accepted so they come over dressed. Refreshment was stale/microwaved snacks and maybe cocacola.
Looking back now, I wonder why we thought it was fun, because growing up has taught us that for any party to blow, people have to misbehave, the music has to be off the hook and there is no such thing as a decent party.
Long story short, I hope Monday’s lectures will be more interesting. All said, I know I disappointed you, I am disappointed myself, so I will just coil in my head and hope the next time I am here you will be entertained.
News got to me though that the elderly aspiring lawyers rocked it, I am not surprised d party was 80s. People tried to make it fun , there was a university by university center dance, very remnicent of yoruba folktale dance and our very ‘tush’ colleagues from across the sea thought the arena too razz for their royal feet to move on( *in my acquired british accent* We are not hating on U.. Nuffsaid )
God bless ya Yvonne, I speak for all when I say the entire night wasn’t totally wasted. Till later everyone. *bows…

COCKTALES

Yay! TGIF!!! Not just any friday o, we v got cocktail things tonight. With the way they’ve been going on about how we should walk , write, make ‘n’ pack our hair, eat(how many forkfuls are sufficient per meal and how many gulps, oops, scratch dat, sips per drink), I am so not looking forward to it. But I wee go because I hate hearsay, I hate carrying last and I need to lookulaafu.
Rock ‘n’ republic jeans, check; Rihanna Navy tank top,check; Pineapple sneakers,check. Hmmm, I need to get another Mac signature eyeshadow, d colours I have won’t work for tonight,well… check too. *Thinking, what else… Oh! My cologne has to be on point too oo, boys scarce for here, I must be noticed, I must belong. Lemme check if Tomi’s Paco Rabbane’s One million is remaining, I will blend that with Tosin’s Jlo’s Still plus my Malizia.
Whatelse again *chewing gum in an unlawyerly manner, My hair needs to be made, hmm.. I will borrow Amaka’s Peruvian hair, anything to look fly tonight. Crap! It aint easy making a statement, I know what you are thinking , don’t even ask me where I got my outfit (sharp geh like me). Wait o, I can’t walk all the way from the hostel to the foyer, I need me a ride( that one go hard small o), I’ll just have to stroll to the male hall and let a ‘lucky’ guy take notice of my awesome self and drive me down.
I will be back here to tell u how cocktail went, of course my grandma glasses ll be on so , I don’t miss one bit.
BTW, my male learning colleagues have instructed me to address the ladies on a certain issue that is a major source of grievance to them. NLS Bwari is a home of beauty. I don’t mean the staff(they look good as well) or the infrastructure, I’m talking about ‘beauriful gehs’. Enuf said. Ladies, ‘park well’, ‘sit well’, ‘close ur legs’, you are distracting my brothers, they paid a lump sum to be here and as beautiful as y’all are, I am sure they don’t want to come back for Bar II Part II… Nuff said..
Now, I have to go, Oyinlola Olagunsoye(hereinafter thereunto referred to as OyinDarl) has a question for the lecturer and I have to listen.

DIS IS BWARI LAWSCHOOL

Testing,1,2… Testing( taps mic) *clears throat, spits phlegm (apologies to my learning colleagues, I can’t ‘shit’ nature). I guess y̲Ơ͡u can hear me now.
It has been a really long day, all †ђξ worms ȋ̝̊̅̄N̶̲̅ my belly are feeling like ‘rebels ȋ̝̊̅̄N̶̲̅ libya’ now, †ђξ lecturer just kept going on and on. It aint easy being a barrister o, I feel like I got all †ђξ burdens of †ђξ world on my shoulders (no thanks to my colleagues ȋ̝̊̅̄N̶̲̅ class that av read every book ȋ̝̊̅̄N̶̲̅ †ђξ library and those on †ђξ internet).
See ehn, I can’t come and go and kee myself, ȋ̝̊̅̄N̶̲̅ a bid to ease off, Imma share my experiences ȋ̝̊̅̄N̶̲̅ Bwari as seen through my eyes and my opionated friends.
Yes, I said opionated, all these lawyers av one afterall, everybody walks on †ђξ air around here, someone needs to remind them why †ђξ ground was created.
*Stretches, ‘I am so tayad'( ȋ̝̊̅̄N̶̲̅ my unpolished american accent), don’t even start on me, everyone’s got one or †ђξ other funny accent going on here. I have to constantly check my GPS to remind myself where I am.
Being here takes me 8years back to my high school days, stuck with same faces, staying ȋ̝̊̅̄N̶̲̅ hostels and observing lights out( yes, I mean this too. Boys aint allowed ȋ̝̊̅̄N̶̲̅ girls’ hostels and I can’t stay out pass midnight, I bet my mama made d rules here *sighs*). We have a dinning hall too, yes, with all †ђξ queueing and all involved, only that meals are optional, ur pocket dictates.
To be fair though, my secondary school can’t boast of so many pretty faces ȋ̝̊̅̄N̶̲̅ one place(thank God, I am not a guy) I wonder how d̶̲̥̅̊ε̲̣̣̣̥γ̲̣̣̥ sit and keep ‘hard straight’ faces and ‘objects’.
Hmmm.. Did I mention †ђξ exotic cars that students ride, my sister, no one is poor here ooo because after paying tuition plus bank charges plus registration mainteanance (don’t ask me what that is) plus bottled water taken during registration queues which sums up to #260,500:00k, then, y̲Ơ͡u have lost †ђξ right to be poor. Although, poor is nonexistent, †ђξ two words ȋ̝̊̅̄N̶̲̅ operation here is ‘rich’ or ‘nothing’ .
Kai!! People get money for here o.. *Is that Oyin Olagunsoye? †ђξ former gov himself?.. I need to courtesy him ȋ̝̊̅̄N̶̲̅ †ђξ proper yoruba way(yes, I am famzing, bite me!), I am out of here now, I will be back later..