A NIGHT TO REMEMBER (THREE GBOSA)

Hello everyone, we are gradually approaching the end of what looked like an eternal journey. God kept us through the dinners and long hours of lectures. Through my thick lenses and those of my friends, you have seen just how wonderful this lawyerly journey has been, we aint the same wild eyed young adults we were some months ago, gentlemen and ladies have been birthed.
Just before we say our final goodbyes, Venom is here again. Enjoy.

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You’re booriful…you’re booriful….din din…I saw my face…in a market place…I’m booriful (this is funke akindele’s remix oh, but it suits me just fine). I’ve been humming Jenifa’s latest release since I glanced at my reflection in the mirror. Hmmn, NLS boys ‘will take’ when they see me tonight. (Ok, I need to delete Funke’s repertoire from my mind) not that I know the meaning of repertoire, Duh!!! ‘Whatefer’.
My vanity hormones raging, I step out of the lavatory (that’s the location of the mirror oh, ehn-hen) only to be blinded by the sight of my stunning friends. There’s Bami, cute as a button (this is not about your size oh, boo) and there’s Halima, Damn! that tiny waist does things to my….no homo…and her face keeps blowing my mind (babe, no haughty looks or words here, pls). Aha, Ronnie just takes my breath away in her LBD. She’s like a vision, a rapturous vision. And Ella? Ever seen a water nymph gliding outta the waters? That’s Ella. After taking in this wonderful sight, I immediately begin my own remix…they’re booriful….they’re booriful…more than me…i want to hide my face…in a market place…they’re boo… whatefer jare.
Enough of this jibber-jabber. Lemme not bore you about how we got to the venue of Lawyers must Laugh (hereinafter referred to as LmL) which was the auditorium- southeast pronunciation. I had purposed in my heart to avoid the red carpet. I mean, who needs a carpet to know she’s glamorous? Not moi. But I was in for a shock,where I’d pictured the red carpet would be was overrun with clothes, food and accessories on display. ‘Take deep breaths baby’ I told myself, *heart racing* I finally see the red carpet, AND my dress is bigger than the damn carpet,one foot in front of the other and red carpet is over… I’m in the auditorium.
And the tape begins to run…
I am a hard-boiled cynic. I came, prepared to watch LmL flop, but yours truly was blown away. My first gbwasa (DG’s version of gbosa) goes to Kayode Afouda…boy, I was going to diss your life but you proved your mettle and showed a promising future in comedy. Now I take God beg you, when you leave for attachment, please drop ‘parararara-pororororo’. Don’t you dare come back with that tired call-response,bring something new.
The two guys that sang… I don’t know what to say to you but for OJB’s disciple, a little less screaming will go a long way to advance your music career. As for guitar-man, stick to guitar. Singing aint your thingy, nice rhymes though. Chioma cupcakes, you were/are really here… Wow!!! You’ve got depth, you’ve got soul, and you are music. Debbie darling, please don’t stop singing, the sky is your beginning.
Hmmmn, I don’t even know what to say about the comedians. I’m still bursting at the seams with laughter. Their talent defies definition. MC Longs, Osama and Funny bone, we loved you guys, I still love you. Yes, Bwari babes, don’t mind funny bone jare, about that part where he said Bwari babes’ catwalk translates to ‘any amount’. Na lie. It’s not any amount. I have it on good authority that all you need to do is buy barbecue fish and bingo, the babe is all yours for the weekend and may be even ‘so soon thereafter’. So you see, it’s fish, not any amount.
My 2nd gbwasa goes to Faze. Honestly, I didn’t expect much from him. But he was cute, sweet and down to earth. Sha, I didn’t really listen to the songs, I was busy ogling his lean frame and pretty face…why he ever went for dreadlocks in the first instance beats me. He was really sensational, Twale!!! Faze. You rock.
My Zara models, nice package all in all. It’s a good thing y’all are in law school though, because the some of you will never find fame on the runway. Please stick to the lawyering option.
All in all, I had fun, pure unadulterated fun. It was an evening worth its weight in gold. Even the ice cream sold was delicious, not that chalk drink that was sold during bon-fire last term. Enough rambling already, Bob is here. I bet he’ll do the weekend routine…predictable Bob… now who can I appeal to? *rolling my eyes*.
My 3rd gbwasa goes to Samson Itodo Gyang- that able and worthy leader who put LmL together with the efficient SRC team backing him up. I love you Samson, literally. If I had known, I would have bought you at the valentine auction.
Ha!!! Where do I get the nerves to write these things? So sue me.
Great job Samson…Now tune up, Bob.

A STORYTELLER WITH NO TALE

Hello there everyone, I need an app that can type my thoughts as I dictate them. Seriously though, I have gotten so unimaginative that someone had to come to the blog’s rescue, I bet you will enjoy her post as well. Introducing Venom… Enjoy…
‘Licking the remains of bon-bon off my fingers’. … Jeez!!! ‘Mi lord’, queen of here place claims/facts in issue is still droning on. What did I ever do to deserve sitting in this class today? I mean, my mates are young execs, senators’ fifth wives, P. A’s to honourables, pepper sellers (some of my other mates ni oh) etc…..
*trying to avoid my facilitators’ eyes * while I sip the dregs of my zobo- yes, I drink zobo, no apologies whatsoever.
Yes, back to things done. Really, Bwari has turned me into one sad sick girl that has her nose dipped in all things, what’s sad is I can’t say it all ,so, I am left with typing it. My first point of call is Lagos. Have y’all noticed that the geographical location of lagos is gradually shifting towards the UK? Oh! You haven’t? I learnt its now a 30 minute drive from Lagos to UK. What other way to explain some of these deluded Lag students forming like they can trek across the ocean and Lagos is like the new London, please, don’t get me started o, we know those that stay in Osapa-London and those that go to Palms just for a snapshot and tour. Enough said… *lips sealed*
The things people say in the course of eating sha, Sometimes I wonder if the food sellers prepare the meals with marijuana. I swear nothing is as lame as the conversation some of my sombre looking colleagues have, call it eavesdropping but I have heard one of them blame the Nigerian government for Nigerians not knowing the difference between Texas and London. Dont get me wrong ooo, it’s pathetic but wetin concern government now, se na wetin suppose dey official gazette be that? And some pronounce akara as akra , be real to yourselves how the thing sef sound to una, make God take stick beat you.
Another pressing issue that touches my heart is how some ‘Pakolicious’ learning mates act like they sleep in air-conditioned rooms, Hell awaits u for forming and I mean that part reserved for hitler. Aint I sweet?
Aha *one up for my mummy*. Yeah! By now, y’all know Queen’s English is one constant subject of controversy here right? This one borders on the part of those who actually lived in the Queen’s Division (abi na queen’s bench) for a while. I dont get your not-quite-naija-but-not-quite.U.K accent. Is it that when you were finally adjusting to the diction over there, your student visa expired and you had to return to motherlan’? because some of you sound like calabar octaves to me. No offence intended……..but you sound ‘hung’, stuck somewhere in the land called ‘Lost’. Please find your place and stop giving me hypothermia *whatever that means*
It has also come to the notice of this Honourable??? Court that our boys now wear butt-pads. Or how else do you explain big bom-boms’ in excruciatingly tight pants? Admit it, you must be suffering a measure of discomfort. Please, I take God beg una, there are tailors at mami
Do seek their expertise on this matter. Oh, and donate the butt pads to the girls’ hostel before I change my mind oh, ehn-hen.
Ehen, lemme now settle down to draft my legal opinion on *statid*, *presentid*, *countid*, *minutid*. But, when on earth did minute become a verb? You have no right to say minuted. You should be shit..sorry, shot. Some dudes just make me weak. I need to sip viju *runs out to go and buy…..mind your business jare* mwah. Ama see y’all some other time. 😉

GUESS WHO’S BACK

“Did anyone sat here?” (Seriously, that gbagaun just made me fall off my chair and if you are wondering who said it, it was said with an acquired cockney accent ) … *Yawns*… Feels so good to breathe the air here, for a while I thought I had died, so many death stories , one would think rapture is a gradual process(this was typed with a straight face).. D news just gets me moody, my happy amebor moments just faded away, thank God for prayers, I fasted and prayed for weeks, waiting to hear ‘the word’ so I can share. Not sure if words is back but I am back, I bet u will love me either ways ;)…
So, quick question, who missed me? Well, I know you are too shy to accept how u feel about me , I promise I won’t tell anyone about those funny mails and those perverted things u send to me, I promise u are safe, I am serious about not munching our bbm chats, also, believe when I say ur typos are safe with me and that I don’t record every silly blunder your royal lawyer self utters. Yeah, I know I am nice like that *fans self*.
Did I tell you my grandma glasses got missing? Oh, I didn’t? Well, It did o and getting a lens that is as telescopic and microscopic hasn’t been easy (at this juncture, it would be nice of y’all to raise funds for a new one cos I am also a bwari child, *adjusts halo*).
Wait o! Why is Bwari not like Lagos sef, I have to keep my nose to the ground to get anything close to a piece of news here but in Lagos, everyday is live nollywood. Just when the students were recovering from the news of the lady that birthed bomboy in class during lectures, another student , very zealous one I suppose, decided some flavour still needed to be added,and so he contributed a blinding slap on the upper posterior part of a chick in class;long story short, she was rihannaed… ( don’t ask where I get my news from, I have tentacles everywhere).
People will not kill me with laugh o, so, I was going about my business trying to be certified as Nne Lawyer 1 of my village when this babe raised her hand to answer a question (don’t go blaming me, I wouldn’t raise my hand to answer a question if I was clueless, that would make me very much like the Nigerian leadership) and convicted a suspect in the legal opinion she presented; baby, wait till you are a member of the Bench biko. And the hajia in front also makes my heart bleed with dumb answers (Ma, not you oo, there are many hajias in front). *runs to hide*… N.B: if you are looking for me, I will be lost in some crowd occupying Nigeria, yes, my blood is green is like that.

4 D FOOD B4 US…

Today is all gonna be about dinner, I know you have waited a while for it. I just hope I serve it better than the ‘dinner’. I am already running late o (*flashes gateman my million dollar smile* , so he’ll allow the bike man take me pass the gate to my hostel). *Runs into my room to change while reciting (The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not mess up, He made me go through worse times and this too I shall survive, I shall win the battle at the place of ‘forks and spoons’.. *wipes sweat*)
*Exhales*… I completed my looks with a dazzling smile, looked myself in the mirror and fell in love with me again( don’t call me vain jare, y’all are guilty too 😉 ), I need to call Musa to pull out the car , “Tiwa, are you ready?” , I heard Collin’s baritone from behind, we are running late for the state dinner(or so I thought).
Stella!!! Bami’s crude voice nudged me back to reality. I rushed through the whole black without trimming and embroidery sombre suit, black shoes, no dangling earrings, no beads, no hair extensions, no sexy lingerie(infact no undies at all in the process).
By the time I got out of the hostel, the sight I beheld was breathtaking, it looked like a progression of “Ebony Casket undertakers” on their way to a state funeral, only difference is they bore no bodies, purses were also not allowed.
I have a thing for mischief so I had my fingers crossed for drama because it was the only colour the nights of ‘Black’ needed.
Most of us got checked in without hitch, girls pulled off d requirement to ‘look ugly’ nicely, I also didn’t forget my grandma glasses, it helps my fading vision, its lens is both telescopic and microscopic.
I was really gonna shut up about this and allow the drama dat unfolded in the dinning hall to stay in the dinning. Matter of fact, I can’t. Tell me what part of the story u wanna hear. The drama in the hall or the one after. Long and short is it was a farce , d body of benchers left disappointed :(. D dinner is over and one would expect life to continue abi? But seriously I wonder why people love the taste of their tears just after the milk got spilled.*mscheeewww*(tries to wipe the disgust off my face). Ok. So I got to class and overheard one of the elders’ association saying most peeps are too immature to be in NLS( I wonder as dat one take relate to dinner), I suggested in my mind for her to contest for Senate, maybe she can push the bill for the possession of a first degree before LLB . *sideeye*.
Back to what took place inside the dinning hall jare, Omo! the fork and knife thing na strong thing o, the babe that sat down beside me decided the shower she had before the dinner was not enough so she took a ‘rice’ bath. Fuckups was dressed in black suits and shoes, *chuckles*.
Walahi! people deserve awards and shoutouts. My first shout out goes to all the peeps that took the soup but suddenly got too filled to take the rice(I saw you @ mammy @ night o). A big shoutout to all the peeps that suddenly didn’t like chicken much. Shoutouts to all my brothers that found use for their suit pockets( we know say na inside am some of una hide meat). Shout outs to all those who suddenly became vegetarians, May ur life be evergreen. And my major shoutout tonight goes to those that used the soup spoon all through ‘Tuale’. To the chic who felt the dishes served were befitting for her dogs buh cleared her plates;I wonder for you o. To people like me who chose that day to fast,wat can I say? God comes 1st 😉
Heard the second day dinner was much better though and as always our brothers from over the seas and deserts took all the glory. I don’t v much to say on that,our brothers have said it all. In their words “the difference is clear,the nigerian students had theirs and we had ours. The difference is clear,yeah?” (In Bangladesh accent).

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21 QUESTIONS…

I try very much to mind my business in this dead end that I am stuck in for the next nine months( God knows I try). Even when I am getting distracted, I hear Papa’s voice saying ‘I need u to read well so as to claim our family land from the Ojogbo clan; but these lawyers won’t allow me *sobs.
Aunty Ogo told me only smart people become lawyers but the kain questions wey some aspiring lawyers been they ask me just dey make my head ache (pops two tablets of paracetamol, Ouch! My head still aches, *takes the whole damn sachet.. relieved).
As I was saying being dumb is a trait no lawyer is allowed to portray.
The post today is gonna be a little different, it will be in form of questions and answers———————————
(A person is walking under the hot sun dressed in black suit and shoes,Agaba in hand) My dear aspiring colleague asked “Are you a student here?”. Noooo, I came here to greet the DG.
You see someone at Marlima on the queue and u ask “Do u wanna eat?” No ooo, I came to watch the match. *mumu somebody. I am brushing my teeth on the balcony, then u ask “is that your room?” No,it is not, its the teeth brushing room. *ode..
You came into the class past 9 and there are books on some seats in the first row and then ur royal mumu self asks “Is this seat taken?” No o, your reg no is on it. *mscheeew… I am in the library at 8pm, head deep in books, then you ask, “You came to read?” Nooo, for what now, I came to grab a bite ni. You wear a brown shirt on a grey skirt for classes and u ask me “do u think my outfit is fit and proper?” Of course now,u look sombre.
Bob Osamor just introduced Tahir Mohammed as the DG, then you ask “Is that the DG?” No oo, na my papa for village. *make I give u slap. It is Monday and you ask me, what do we have today, this is your fourth week here, duh!!!
And finally,for the authors who in their acknowledgement say “to my darling wife , what would I have done without you? ” *scoffs* dear, you would have written more brain damaging books. NB: our Bar 1 students are rubbing off on us nicely o,the other day,1 of our very own said ‘courrrt starrnd’ in the most astonishing of ways. *thumbs up bebe*.
*Bows, I need to go now. Off to the tailor at Mammy for the measurement of the suit I will wear for dinner.

RACONTEUR

The beauty of being me is, I know everyone but nobody knows me, ok now, that’s sad *wipes tears with the helm of white shirt.
Well, y’all will agree I use that well, I snoop on everyone when they aint watching.
I know the tale of d physically unattractive dude that’s got the babe with the knockout body. I know the tale of the girl that refills her ‘eva’ bottle with sachet water and comes to class feeling like she doesn’t know what the ‘white room’ looks like. I know the tale of the ‘not so smart’ that grabs the mic at every chance he gets. I know the tale of the old man that tries to relive his youth at every opportunity. I know the tale of the one that feels pressured and tries so much just to ‘belong’. I know the tale of the one that ‘famz’ with another just for the security of a ride.
I go about in my grandma glasses and dusty black shoes and stare into the face of all these beautiful people, they stare back and I smile to myself ‘cos I know all of their tales. The tale of the girl that wishes the boy had eyes only for her. The tale of the one that thinks he ought to be the lecturer. The tale of the one that ‘cacks’ to mammy market hoping to meet ‘the one’. The tale of the one that eats once a day saying she doesn’t wanna get fat(she definitely aint deceiving me). The tale of the one who studied law in China and has a British accent. The tale of the one that called mama and papa that a car is a compulsory requirement and who have in turn appealed to the church for fund raising. The tale of the one that goes to town hoping her net catches a big fish. Oh! And I know the tale of my friend who sits at the house of the Lord with his headphones on, neatly arranged in front of him are his Efevwharen, Ojukwu and Oniekoro along with his Benakol material, King’s bench summary,note all for civil procedure class. I know the tale of the one that sucks up to the ‘highly placed’ in the hopes of a better future. I know of the one with an opinion about everything, the one that can swear she birthed us all. I know the tale of the ones that schooled right here in this Naija and have british, American, French, Congolese and other accents I havnt deciphered yet. The other day,I met someone who studied law in yugoslavia(forgive me,but Y naa)
They can’t see me ‘cos I am in the background, the light from my glasses drops on them all, I know all of their tales.. *evil grin

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COCKTAIL BLUES

I am so sorry it took me a while to put up this post, I was tending to the fracture I got from rocking a 6inch heels. Yeah, I know there is no wisdom in wearing heels to a dusty place but d cocktail was so talked about I dint wanna carry last( what can a girl do?). My beautiful suede Christian Louboutin just got ruined 😦 . What did you just say ehn? I heard you, you said, ” who dash monkey?” Well, na ur way it doesn’t matter if I wore one or not, what matters is I wore heels and it was 6inches and I rocked it like it was Louboutin.
Good news is I am here and so is ur gist. Honestly,the title of this post ought to be ‘much ado ’bout nothing’ because for the first time my ‘grandma glasses even when well placed on my nose’ saw nothing.
When I mentioned we had a cocktail as in a Lawyers’ cocktail, what went through ur mind? Lemme guess, u figured there would be champagne or maybe well prepared ponche and lots of salmosa, spring rolls n d likes to munch on. U also thought alcohol was going to be served since we are young adults and it is one of the few times we are not gonna be graded by our acts abi? . Well, if that was what you had in mind you have failed .
Lemme give u the right picture, ever been to a house party when u were in Junior class in ur high school? (Well, I know my mum ll never find this blog , so, I will tell u how we rocked those parties back in my days).
*Smiles*, in those days, whenever any of our friends was home alone, he/she will call the remaining members of our clique and we in turn will invite the ‘tight’ ones from school to the ‘party’. We were never cashed enough to buy alcohol so we made do with whatever we could steal from our parents’ bars unnoticed. D music was always crappy , the dudes were never up to standard in their borrowed clothes(of course law school boys are not crappy, I am just painting a picture), those that were not part of the clique had a lot to prove to be accepted so they come over dressed. Refreshment was stale/microwaved snacks and maybe cocacola.
Looking back now, I wonder why we thought it was fun, because growing up has taught us that for any party to blow, people have to misbehave, the music has to be off the hook and there is no such thing as a decent party.
Long story short, I hope Monday’s lectures will be more interesting. All said, I know I disappointed you, I am disappointed myself, so I will just coil in my head and hope the next time I am here you will be entertained.
News got to me though that the elderly aspiring lawyers rocked it, I am not surprised d party was 80s. People tried to make it fun , there was a university by university center dance, very remnicent of yoruba folktale dance and our very ‘tush’ colleagues from across the sea thought the arena too razz for their royal feet to move on( *in my acquired british accent* We are not hating on U.. Nuffsaid )
God bless ya Yvonne, I speak for all when I say the entire night wasn’t totally wasted. Till later everyone. *bows…

COCKTALES

Yay! TGIF!!! Not just any friday o, we v got cocktail things tonight. With the way they’ve been going on about how we should walk , write, make ‘n’ pack our hair, eat(how many forkfuls are sufficient per meal and how many gulps, oops, scratch dat, sips per drink), I am so not looking forward to it. But I wee go because I hate hearsay, I hate carrying last and I need to lookulaafu.
Rock ‘n’ republic jeans, check; Rihanna Navy tank top,check; Pineapple sneakers,check. Hmmm, I need to get another Mac signature eyeshadow, d colours I have won’t work for tonight,well… check too. *Thinking, what else… Oh! My cologne has to be on point too oo, boys scarce for here, I must be noticed, I must belong. Lemme check if Tomi’s Paco Rabbane’s One million is remaining, I will blend that with Tosin’s Jlo’s Still plus my Malizia.
Whatelse again *chewing gum in an unlawyerly manner, My hair needs to be made, hmm.. I will borrow Amaka’s Peruvian hair, anything to look fly tonight. Crap! It aint easy making a statement, I know what you are thinking , don’t even ask me where I got my outfit (sharp geh like me). Wait o, I can’t walk all the way from the hostel to the foyer, I need me a ride( that one go hard small o), I’ll just have to stroll to the male hall and let a ‘lucky’ guy take notice of my awesome self and drive me down.
I will be back here to tell u how cocktail went, of course my grandma glasses ll be on so , I don’t miss one bit.
BTW, my male learning colleagues have instructed me to address the ladies on a certain issue that is a major source of grievance to them. NLS Bwari is a home of beauty. I don’t mean the staff(they look good as well) or the infrastructure, I’m talking about ‘beauriful gehs’. Enuf said. Ladies, ‘park well’, ‘sit well’, ‘close ur legs’, you are distracting my brothers, they paid a lump sum to be here and as beautiful as y’all are, I am sure they don’t want to come back for Bar II Part II… Nuff said..
Now, I have to go, Oyinlola Olagunsoye(hereinafter thereunto referred to as OyinDarl) has a question for the lecturer and I have to listen.

DIS IS BWARI LAWSCHOOL

Testing,1,2… Testing( taps mic) *clears throat, spits phlegm (apologies to my learning colleagues, I can’t ‘shit’ nature). I guess y̲Ơ͡u can hear me now.
It has been a really long day, all †ђξ worms ȋ̝̊̅̄N̶̲̅ my belly are feeling like ‘rebels ȋ̝̊̅̄N̶̲̅ libya’ now, †ђξ lecturer just kept going on and on. It aint easy being a barrister o, I feel like I got all †ђξ burdens of †ђξ world on my shoulders (no thanks to my colleagues ȋ̝̊̅̄N̶̲̅ class that av read every book ȋ̝̊̅̄N̶̲̅ †ђξ library and those on †ђξ internet).
See ehn, I can’t come and go and kee myself, ȋ̝̊̅̄N̶̲̅ a bid to ease off, Imma share my experiences ȋ̝̊̅̄N̶̲̅ Bwari as seen through my eyes and my opionated friends.
Yes, I said opionated, all these lawyers av one afterall, everybody walks on †ђξ air around here, someone needs to remind them why †ђξ ground was created.
*Stretches, ‘I am so tayad'( ȋ̝̊̅̄N̶̲̅ my unpolished american accent), don’t even start on me, everyone’s got one or †ђξ other funny accent going on here. I have to constantly check my GPS to remind myself where I am.
Being here takes me 8years back to my high school days, stuck with same faces, staying ȋ̝̊̅̄N̶̲̅ hostels and observing lights out( yes, I mean this too. Boys aint allowed ȋ̝̊̅̄N̶̲̅ girls’ hostels and I can’t stay out pass midnight, I bet my mama made d rules here *sighs*). We have a dinning hall too, yes, with all †ђξ queueing and all involved, only that meals are optional, ur pocket dictates.
To be fair though, my secondary school can’t boast of so many pretty faces ȋ̝̊̅̄N̶̲̅ one place(thank God, I am not a guy) I wonder how d̶̲̥̅̊ε̲̣̣̣̥γ̲̣̣̥ sit and keep ‘hard straight’ faces and ‘objects’.
Hmmm.. Did I mention †ђξ exotic cars that students ride, my sister, no one is poor here ooo because after paying tuition plus bank charges plus registration mainteanance (don’t ask me what that is) plus bottled water taken during registration queues which sums up to #260,500:00k, then, y̲Ơ͡u have lost †ђξ right to be poor. Although, poor is nonexistent, †ђξ two words ȋ̝̊̅̄N̶̲̅ operation here is ‘rich’ or ‘nothing’ .
Kai!! People get money for here o.. *Is that Oyin Olagunsoye? †ђξ former gov himself?.. I need to courtesy him ȋ̝̊̅̄N̶̲̅ †ђξ proper yoruba way(yes, I am famzing, bite me!), I am out of here now, I will be back later..